The failure of Tunisian dates and a hymen related polemic to rival none

Dear Tunisia,

I would have thought the revolution and subsequent new political order was a symbol of your infinite national capacity for resourcefulness and wisdom. I watched upon your jubilating peoples with such glee and optimism that it now saddens me to address you in order to ask one simple question which challenges all former points;

" Why are your dates so unbelievably bad?" I am being kind. They suck. You have effectively ruined the tiny glimmer of sunshine in my otherwise dark and gloomy existence; my nostalgic Iranian country-side breakfast of scrambled eggs with dates is nothing like I imagined it would be. How can I invest time and energy into hymen preservation when you smite me so?

You have made it almost impossible for me to sit and ponder new additions to my" why it's good to have a hymen" list. I have the same 4 I had yesterday. I have made no progress and it is due solely to your dates, with their rubbery, tasteless texture and empty promises of childhood flashbacks.

I sit here, full of egg and date-impersonators, full but unsatisfied re-reading my 4-point list;


Why it's good to have a hymen

1. I can tell people I have a hymen with the knowledge that if they spontaneously pull out a rubber glove and magnifying glass I can sit calmly and continue to drink my special blend tea while they carry out the relevant tests. I will look cool and maintain my integrity. I can get up afterwards and swing on my preppy scarf with a simple " you done?". I will forever be known as a rockstar.

2. I can allude to my hymen when people doubt my chastity..like when I laugh too loudly in public or my skirt feels a little shorter than I remember it being and I feel that glassy gaze of an elder and their thought bubble crystallizes in one big cloud, forming the word "whore" between us. I can swerve the conversation onto some hymen related trivia and perform the appropriate conversational winks and nudges to confirm the presence of my beloved hymen therefore removing all traces of doubt that I am in fact...a hymen possessor.

3. I can refer to myself as " a hymen possessor".

4. I can get out of strenuous exercise proposals with no more than two simple words and a pained expression on my face "...My hymen..."

In conclusion, your dates are dry like the desert.

Signing off,

Hymen Possessor