It is the 4th of July and the political climate is shiftier than the dash for seats on train carriages across London underground lines (even the delayed ones). What I mean to say is that things are shifting at a phenomenal rate, and that old ladies certainly need to learn that I don't care if you mixed up your stop. You get up, even momentarily, and you lose your God damn seat.
Apparently it is America's birthday or something today. Not the exotic sun-burned America with those women who dance so provocatively my hymen weeps for it's lost youth..no...the white America who gave diseased blankets to a bunch of people and then dressed up like them every November to thank them for dying so that they could build more McDonalds restaurants in Qatar one day. But I don't need to waste my time on that today, everyone else is writing about that. I want to write about a problem that Women of Hymen suffer from each and every day of their hymen-preserving lives.
Yes. I'm talking about that plague of negativity which strikes you as you hum hymen-related songs to yourself while walking down the Edgware Road. I'm talking about hymen envy. It hits you in the face like your mother when you ask her if circumcised penises get colder in the winter. It steals your breath like the realisation that your clothes have started to rot as you watch Keeping up with the Kardashians for fourteen hours solid and your vocabulary has been reduced to nothing but grunts and moans.
If you have ever been the subject of hymen envy than you know what I mean. If you have not then you are either a whore or a liar. In an effort not to judge you whores and liars let me tell you a little bit about hymen envy (as if you didn't already know what it was).
Inevitably, you will be living in a world where hymens are made to feel ashamed of their existence. I want to appeal to the world to reconsider this cruel and inhumane pact. But more about the Hymens Are People Too Campaign later.. In this world you will occupy offices, restaurants, buses, planes, trains and automobiles which regard your hymen with utter disdain. To them we say "fuck you and the void where your hymen should have been". Because the disdain levelled at you, the disdain which presents itself in the guise of progressive feminist thinking, secular contemporary liberalism and all of that other crock of shit they try and 'liberate' you with- it is hymen envy. They envy your hymen. Your beautiful taut hymen. Like a ribbon which adorns the final steps of a ten mile marathon, your hymen waits patiently for the right reasonably wealthy, culturally appropriate suitor to lavish you with things you dont need and then poke at your hymen with mediocre thrusts of his uninteresting penis. Just think about how happy that moment will be. Now think about all those girls who will never have that moment. Because it is for that one heroic moment that we preserve our hymens after all. They will talk you down, they will ride their white whore horses at you and try and 'save you' they will huff and they will puff but ladies...don't let them blow your hymen down.
Hymen envy kills (hymens). Remember that.
God bless us and our hymens. Every last one.
